Goodbye Mrs Penn

My emotions were hanging on a pendulum bob this week. I was exhausted from our trip from Canada but even then it was a happy problem. With the visas finally approved, it was time to check with the school regarding the start date for the kids. All went well for my second grader. He could continue where he left off but for the kindy, according to the school, they were over subscribed and they couldn't give a place. Well, given that we belonged to a different school area, I had to get her registered in a different school from her brother and get the variance form filled and signed for my son to continue where he was. So you can imagine the phone calls and the school visits and then came what I thought was the most challenging part which was to tell my kindy that she wasn't going to be in the same school as her sibling and that she'll not be in Mrs Penn's class.

It wouldn't have been a problem had I not brought her to meet Mrs Penn, check out her classroom and her classmates and give her this very rosy picture of how wonderful kindy was going to be especially if it was in the same school as her sibling. Now, I suppose that's what any parent would do to prep their child for kindy so that it wouldn't be a daunting experience but one that the child would be excited about and be looking forward to experience.

In those few brief visits to her kindy teacher Mrs Penn, she developed an instant liking for the soft spoken motherly teacher. Even though she wasn't about to join the class any time soon, Mrs Penn showed her her seat, and her cubby, introduced her to her friends and made her feel welcome. On photo taking day, she stood in line and let Mrs Penn smooth a stray hair and tuck it into place. There was a certain kindness, a gentleness and warmth to Mrs Penn. The last visit to Mrs Penn, she said to my kindy, "Now I can't wait to have you in my class. So when your visa's all done, and you can join us, I'll be waiting right here for you." That was mid-September.

So since that time till our appointment to get our visas stamped in Canada in the first week of Nov, my kindy has been reminding me that she will be joining Mrs Penn's class. She was looking forward to it so much that it would light up her face just to say I'm going to Mrs Penn's class. And she would ask me if I thought Mrs Penn would like it if she wore a certain dress, or a certain shoe. You get the gist? And she was counting down to when she could be in Mrs Penn's class.

On Monday, after receiving news from the principal that she will need to go to a different school, I had to have a chat with her. I had to manage her expectations and explain why she had to go to a different school from her sibling, and that would mean not being in Mrs Penn's class. Well, finally we decided that she'd say goodbye to Mrs Penn before she starts in a different school. It would provide her with closure.

We never got to see Mrs Penn. She wasn't in class. Instead of Mrs Penn, there was a substitute teacher. Mrs Penn had left the class, left the school, left this world two days before we came to bid her farewell. My kindy would never get to see her for the last time. Her passing came to me as a shock. I didn't know till that day that she was battling cancer. There is such a sense of loss in her passing. She was a lovely person.While the cancer got the better of her, she will definitely live on in our hearts and minds.Goodbye Mrs Penn.

Hi - Bye

I think I should stay away from coffee especially at night. I start thinking about the weirdest things during the wee hours. Must be something about listening to the rhythmic sound of people breathing in their sleep against the backdrop of this overpowering silence of the night. The stillness. It's as if the whole world is asleep and you the silent observer. 

While I am caught between this state of elevated presence and near exhaustion from the day's events and activities, I start to wonder how much I value friendship. Have you ever wondered the value of "hello"? Sometimes it's so easily difficult to say 'Hello' not knowing where it'll end and maybe not wanting to know either. There is a certain ambiguity about that word. A certain sense of excitement mixed with uncertainty. A sense of anticipation as you would experience when you hit the button on hotwire.com willing to part ways with $ but not knowing what you will be getting. (If you've not tried this site, I assure you, it can be quite exciting. Maybe when you are planning for your winter break? or your honeymoon? or a short getaway? or maybe when you're sick of being in control and crave to be reckless. Why not try this?) Hmm...I digress, no? Back to "hello". It takes so much courage to say it...and yet it is over so very quickly. And the more you do it, the easier it gets. Does that also mean, the less value we place at saying it? Did "You got me at 'Hello'" ever really happen?

What about "goodbye"? Doesn't it have the totally opposite effect? It's so much easier to say goodbye, at least for me. There is a ring of finality. A certain sense of closure. A 'The End' if you like. It's so much easier to know when things will end, how it will end, why it ended. Of course, there is the other kind of "goodbye" - the kind when the lines "parting is such sweet sorrow" resonates. But how often does that happen? how long does it last? How more real and grounded and final the first goodbye sounds. How much more in control one feels when one gets to say it. How planned and well thought through this one can be.

I don't like saying 'hello's because a goodbye is inevitable. If you never start something, you never need to end it, do you? But not having started anything will gain you nothing. Maybe nothing is better than something or anything. I don't know about you, but I find it interesting how people can waltz in and out of peoples' lives .  How sometimes we don't need to say goodbye and yet it's said. How sometimes we long to say goodbye and yet can't.

Hello is so potent. It's an investment. It's a box of chocolates. Sometimes I forget and eat it and then agonise over having to spit it out. Damn the goodbyes.